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jellyfish_arm [userpic]

He's Worth it

October 24th, 2009 (10:01 pm)

REALLY rough few days. REALLY rough. But I have come to realize that I really love my boyfriend and felt the complete and utter terror and pain of losing him. I didn't lose him but I'll never forget the pain I felt yesterday when our relationship was at stake.

Bipolar is a HORRIBLE disorder but I'm not going to let it define me and will never, ever let it destroy my relationship.

I'm glad he is understanding. I'm glad he's supportive. And above all, I am grateful to have his wonderful presence in my life, however frustrating it may be sometimes.

Love can conquer the unconquerable. Bring it on, Bipolar Disorder. You will NEVER break us up.

jellyfish_arm [userpic]

October 31/November 1

October 2nd, 2009 (08:52 am)

No one reads this but I need to get this out. So I guess I'll just pretend people are listening.

My boyfriend's ex and kids moved in August 1st. He said that she's be there a month-month in a half. It'a October 2. I'm not allowed over there because of the ex.

I'm getting really sick of being on the sidelines. The third wheel. I'm giving him to have her out by November 1st at the latest and then I don't know what will happen because I can't be dealing with this anymore. If that's not possible, he has to at least convince her that I can come over. I think that's reasonable.

The thing is, he hasn't mentioned anything since the conversation. I don't know how to make him understand that it's not about jealousy, it's not about me not understanding the situation. It's about respect. I've been the third wheel for 2 months now. My feelings are hurt and I'm sick of feeling this way. I've explained this to him but...he doesn't seem to see the severity of the situation.

He's the best boyfriend I've ever had...aside from this. I want things to work out but I'm being torn apart by this.


jellyfish_arm [userpic]

Kids suck

August 13th, 2009 (11:37 pm)

i love my boyfriend. But if I stuck to my values and didn't fall in love with someone with kids, then i wouldn't be so depressed all the time.

Doesn't help that he's friends with the mother.

I know it's for the kids. Makes it easier on them? Sure. Does NOT make it easier on me.

Fuck dating men with kids.
Fuck me for being so selfish.
Fuck me for not sticking to my promises.

Fuck me for falling in love with a man with a problem I cannot fix.

jellyfish_arm [userpic]

I want to Fed Ex his Ex

August 7th, 2009 (09:48 pm)

I know they've been apart for 12 years.
I know they don't have that chemistry anymore.
I know he loves me.

But when he's living with his ex it worries me. And it upsets me. And it hurts me. I want her out. Not in a malicious way, but even though she is the mother of his kids, he does not have to live with her.

I can't leave him for this. It's temporary. And I love him very much. But it's taking a much bigger toll on me than I thought it would.

jellyfish_arm [userpic]

I don't think it's him I think it's his juice

July 25th, 2009 (07:45 pm)

Maybe I misdiagneosed myself as a possessive controlling bitch.
I think I figured it out. I don't mind him not hanging out with me and seeing his friends instead. If he said he was hanging out with his kids I wouldn't mind. But if he went out drinking with my co workers i'd mind. And I know he's drinking with his buddy tonight. I think I just don't like the idea of him drinking. I think I have something more against the alcohol than him. He's only drinking with his friend at his house. It pains me to think of him drinking. That must be it.

Holy shit, I don't trust alcohol. I don't trust him with it. I lose respect for ANYONE who drinks it. Even recreationally. What is it about alcohol that makes me hate it so much? I've always been this way. Why is that?


jellyfish_arm [userpic]


July 5th, 2009 (12:20 am)

It becomes a respect factor when you're a student, with a heavy courseload, you work, and you try to have a life and the person who makes plans with you stands you up, cancels plans last minute, or doesn't call or pick you up when they say they will.

I'm not a bum. I actually have things to do, places to be and people to see.

Do NOT fucking waste my time.

jellyfish_arm [userpic]


June 30th, 2009 (08:24 pm)

I hope he has a good reason why he's not calling me. I'm a nervous wreck right now.
I also hope that good reason allows him to be 100% OK and he's not hurt or in any distress.

I don't know what to do. He always answers my phone calls. He texts me all day long. Why isn't he right now?

jellyfish_arm [userpic]

Waaaaaa! somebody call the WAAAAAAmbulance!!

June 19th, 2009 (10:27 pm)

My boyfriend is awesome. I love him. His girlfriend (me, Miriam) is having some issues...not necessarily with him but in general.

-There is something wrong with a girl who does not want her boyfriend to hang out with his friends (hmmm, ok well in my defense I'm not mad about him hanging out with his friends but I'm mad because he didn't give me any notice about it and we had plans so I had to figure something out. However, I was EXTREMELY upset and cried all night. That, my friends, is fucked up!! Must be me not him)

-There is something wrong with a girl who does not want her boyfriend to drink or smoke. (he rarely ever does and he never does it around me but I STILL get upset. There's no winning for this poor guy. If he tells me, I get upset, and if he lies, I get mad because he lied! wtf!)

-There is something wrong with a girl who wants to spend every waking moment with her boyfriend. (I try sooo hard to not get upset or act clingy but I really like him and it's hard to to get attached to someone so wonderful)

So uh, diagnosis? Maybe I really am a possessive bitch who just tries to hide it to keep the peace? How the hell do I fix this? Because, A.)I don't want to lose the love of my life and the man I want to spend my life with and B.) I want him to have fun and live his life so he doesn't burn out and get sick of me.

I can't imprison him, nor do I want to. But I can't get this upset every time he wants to do something other than be with me.


jellyfish_arm [userpic]

George Tiller

June 4th, 2009 (10:42 am)

George Tiller, you remain a saint.

I am so mad I kind of want to get pregnant and have a late-pregnancy abortion and throw the bloody remains in the anti-abortionists face.

There is nothing wrong with abortion. There is something wrong with bringing a life into a world where a life cannot be provided for them.

That is something I would NEVER want on my conscience.

jellyfish_arm [userpic]

I Love My Dad

April 1st, 2009 (09:14 am)

I used to bring joy to my dad's life. Now i just bring excess stress and headaches. I hope things change.

On the bright side, I have a man who genuinely likes me and cares about me and likes spending time with me...what a nice change. I hope I don't fuck things up.

I'm sorry Dad. I wish I wasn't such a bad daughter :(

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